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Hiya Henry/Transcript
Big Coffee, interior (Episode title appears on a billboard; Gloria is setting up a microphone on a stage.) Cricket: Hey, Gloria! What are you settin' up all this sound equipment for? Are you gonna sing a little song? Gloria: No. Didn't you read the flyer? (She hands him a flyer advertising "Open Mic".) Cricket: I refuse to read anything I do not have to! Gloria: I'm setting up for the Big Coffee Open Mic. Cricket: (gasps) Wow! Wait, what is that? Gloria: It's an event to show off your talent on the big stage. I'm working on my slam poetry. Would you like to hear some? Cricket (OS): Remy! Tilly! Gloria: Aaaaand he's gone. (Cricket is at a table talking to Remy and Tilly.) Cricket: Did you hear about the Open Mic? Gloria: You realized you're supposed to be working, right?! Ugh...whatever. (leaves) Cricket: Gloria says you can perform any talent you want onstage! I myself will be doing an epic stunt spectacular! Remy: And I'll do my special talent of assisting you, Cricket! Cricket: Good man. Now what talent will you be displaying at the Open Mic, Tilly? Tilly: Oh, gee, I-I don't know if I have a talent. Cricket: Sure you do! You're funny, you're weird, you say a lotta stuff I don't understand...you're full of talents! Tilly: You think so? Cricket: I know so. Green's House, garage (Tilly is setting up a mirror.) Tilly: Okay, Tilly. Cricket says you gotta find your talent. And this old, disorganized garage is where you're gonna find it. Because the show is tomorrow, and we're desperate. (She comes out holding a damaged tuba.) Tilly: Maybe music is my talent! (blows once, scattering dust, flies, and spiders which crawl over her) AHH! SPIDERS, SPIDERS, EVERYWHERE! (Now she wears an oversized coat.) Tilly: Maybe fashion is my passion? I'd say it's a talent to look this dandy. (looks at the fox head on the back) Oh...oh, that's great. (Now she walks on all fours, shoes covering her hands.) Tilly: (singing listlessly) I've got feet for haaaaaands! That's the whole trick... (She passes a locked chest in the back corner.) Tilly: Well, Tilly, maybe you'll never find your talent. (stops and sees the chest) What's this now? (opens the chest and gasps) This will do nicely. Kitchen Bill: (hums, washing dishes) Gramma: Y'know, I used to give you baths in that sink. Bill: Ma! Gramma: I used to wash your cute little butt there. Bill: We eat on these plates! Cricket: (enters with Remy) Y'see, Remy, for an exciting act, you gotta introduce an element of danger. (takes down a holder with knives) Bill: (turns around) Huh? Hold on. No you won't. Cricket: Dad, the Open Mic is tomorrow! What am I supposed to juggle?! Bill: Well, um...how about juggle some nice, soft sponges? They're fun! Gramma: Lame! Tilly: (enters) I know what I'm gonna do! Look what I found in the old garage! (She presents a ventriloquist dummy; shows quick close-ups of its shifting blue eyes, its hand-painted hair, and its moving jaw. The dummy's head is reflected in the eyes of a rather stunned Cricket.) Cricket: What...the...heck!? Tilly: This is Hiya Henry. Say hello to everyone, Henry. (as Henry) "Hello to everyone, Henry!" (normal) Not like that! (A pause; all but Cricket burst into laughter; the last of these shudders.) Gramma: I can't believe it! My old ventriloquist dummy! Tilly: (as Henry) "I can't believe it, either! A real-live dinosaur!" Gramma: Who's he callin' a dinosaur? (gets it) Oh -- Ha-ha! You meant me! (laughs) Bill: (laughs) Hey, you're pretty good at that, Tilly. Tilly: "Farmer Bill! I hope your crops aren't as dead as your...sense of fashion!" Bill: (laughs) It is bad! Tilly: (as Henry, laughs) Cricket: Nothing's funny about that! Remy: Ooh! Ooh! Do me next! Do me! Tilly: "And I thought I was the only adorable dummy here!" Remy: You think I'm adorable? (laughs; is pulled away) Whoa!! Cricket: Remy! Don't you think Henry is a little...creepy? Remy: Ha! If by creepy, you mean creepin' into my heart? Then, yeah! Bill: (laughs) All right, that's it! Henry, you're stayin' forever! (laughs more) Tilly: "Yaaaaaaay!" Dining room (Later at dinner, Bill and Gramma laugh as Henry splatters food everywhere; Cricket just sits there paranoid.) Tilly: (as Henry) "Yum, yum, yum, yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum!" (normal) Ooh! Henry's hungry! (as Henry) "Does anyone else think this joke's a little...cheesy?" (More laughter.) Bill: Cheesy! (keeps laughing) Cricket: (trying to stay calm) So...ventriloquism is cool and all, Tilly, but is it really your best talent? Tilly: I guess you're right. I could find somethin' else to do. (as Henry) "Yeah! Find something respectable instead of stickin' your hand on someone's --" (normal, covering Henry's mouth) Henry! We're at the dinner table! Cricket: Okay, okay, I just think you don't need Henry! Get rid of him! You've got plenty of other talents! Bill: Ooh...I know what's goin' on here, I think somebody's been bitten by the...big green monster of jealousy. I'm sure your act will be impressive, too, son. Cricket: What?! I'm not jealous! Tilly: (as Henry) "It's okay to be a little jealous!" Cricket Stay outta this, Henry! (to Bill) I'm not jealous, I swear! Gramma: Well, you should be! That girl's like a beautiful, young Geppetto. Tilly made that dang puppet so lifelike, you think he's really alive! Cricket: (slightly fear-stricken) Bu...but we all know he's not, right? Tilly: Come on, everyone! Lay offa Cricket! Why, he's the one who brought me and Henry together in the first place. So what I'm tryin' to say is...thank you, Cricket. Cricket: (suddenly guilty) Oh, well...Tilly, when ya put it that, I -- Tilly: And Henry also has somethin' he wants to say. (as Henry) "Thanks for lendin' Tilly..." Cricket: No no no, it's okay...it's okay...! Tilly: (laying Henry's hand on Cricket's cheek) "...a hand!" (drags it) "Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!" Cricket: (sweats, terrified) Don't mention it. Cricket and Tilly's bedroom (That evening, Tilly is asleep; Henry is sitting in her vanity chair wearing PJ's and his eyes appear to be glowing in the dark. Cricket is unable to sleep because of this.) Cricket: (moans uncomfortably; sits up) All right, Henry. I need sleep so I'll be in tip-top shape for my amazing stunt show! (He throws a pillow at Henry, knocking him out of the chair; Tilly wakes up.) Tilly: (gasps) Henry? (turns light on and climbs down) Cricket, were you tryin' to make Henry more comfortable? Cricket: (quietly) I was tryin' to smother Henry! Tilly: (walks over carrying Henry) You were tryin' to mother Henry? (sighs) That is so sweet. He'll be much more comfortable up here with you. (puts Henry in Cricket's hammock) Cricket: No, no, no, no!! Tilly: In you go! Cricket: (whimpers) Tilly (OS): (covers them up) Two little bugs in a rug. Cricket: Tilly, don't turn off the -- Tilly (OS): (turns light off) G'night! Cricket: -- Light! (pause; looks at Henry) Okay Henry, I'm just gonna close your horrifying peepers here. (He reaches one hand toward Henry and pushes his eyes closed.) Cricket (OS): There we go. (the eyes reopen; tries to close them) Oh...no, no, no, no. No. No. No! (He struggles vigorously but Henry's eyes won't close; he turns away in complete fear.) Cricket: Okay, I'm just gonna shut my eyes and wait 'til morning! (He struggles to keep them closed as the view from his perspective goes totally black. He opens them next day and sees Henry is not next to him anymore, and gasps with delight and relief.) Cricket: Tilly! Henry's gone! (feigns sorrow) I mean -- I mean...oh no, Henry's gone. (For some reason, Tilly has her back turned and not listening.) Cricket: Tilly? Hello! Tilly! Hellooo! (She turns around, revealing herself to be a dummy in a tux.) Tilly: Well, hiya, Cricket! Cricket: Wha?! Uh...AHH! (Bill and Gramma enter; they too have turned into dummies.) Bill, Gramma: Hey, Cricket! Gramma: Knock, knock! Tilly, Bill: Who's there? Gramma: You're gonna die! Cricket: That -- that wasn't even a joke! There was no punchline! ACK! Get your freaky little baby hands away from me!! (Above him, a rather monstrous Henry looms over the room.) Giant Henry: HIYA, CRICKET! WHO'S THE DUMMY NOW? (Cricket has turned into a dummy himself.) Cricket: Wha...wha?! No...AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Smash cuts to him waking up in bed at night; it was all just a dream.) Cricket: AGH!! (sits up and pants; grabs Henry) I can't take this anymore!! Backyard (Outside, he digs a hole in the grass.) Cricket: I can't tell Tilly to get ridda you, because that would break her heart! So I'm gonna do the next best thing: we're gonna have our OWN little show! Act 1: I bury you in a deep, deep hole. Act 2: (chuckles) YOU DIE! (He laughs manically as he drops Henry in.) Big Coffee, interior (It is the day of the Open Mic. Guests have gathered to see the show. Cricket peeks excitedly from backstage, wearing a black magician's cape; he adjusts the tie.) Cricket: Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do... Remy: (enters) Ooh! Someone's in a good mood. Cricket: Buddy, you have no idea! So, were you able to find a samurai sword? Remy: Well...no. But I thought this stick is just as good. (shows a stick) Cricket: What -- Remy! (annoyingly takes it) Fine, I'll make it work. (Gloria steps forward, wearing a black turtleneck.) Gloria: Hello everyone. Welcome to Big Coffee's Open Mic. We have a great show today... (fades out) (In the audience, Nancy arrives to sit next to Bill and Gramma up front.) Nancy: Hey guys. I made it. Gramma: Hi. Bill: Hey, Nancy. Just wait 'til you see Tilly and Henry's show! Nancy: You mean...Tilly and Cricket. Bill: Who? (Backstage, Tilly comes over wearing a tuxedo for her act.) Tilly: Hey fellas, have you seen Henry anywhere? I can't find him. Remy: Oh, gosh. No, I haven't. Cricket: (feigning remorse) Oh, shoot! Henry's missin'? Oh man, that's the worst. But hey, y'know what? You don't need him! You're rife with talents! Tilly: I was...really lookin' forward to doin' Open Mic. Cricket: Wait wait wait -- what about feet for hands? (gasps) Oh my gosh, that's so funny!...You should just do that, it'll be great. Tilly: Yeah, I...guess I could try that. Cricket: That's the spirit! (walks away whistling) Open Mic, moments later (Gloria is presenting her act: a beat poem.) Gloria: Little bean in the tree, Do you feel as sad as me? I grind up the beans like they grind up my soul! Corporate greed is evil and cold. The best part of waking up, Until we wake up no more. Thank you. (Only one audience member claps; everyone else is silent.) Gramma: Why'd everything rhyme but the last line? Gloria: My art is wasted on you people. (Ms. Cho enters with a broom and dustpan to clean up the remains of what she used; she does such in frustration.) Gloria: Up next is Cricket Green! (Nancy applauds and Bill gets out his video camera.) Gramma: Finally! Some real entertainment! (On stage, Remy pushes a trampoline forward for Cricket's act; Cricket steps through the curtain, and ceremonial orchestra music plays.) Cricket: BEHOLD! I, Cricket the Crazy, will attempt a death-defying, scarifying leap...of insanity! (The crowd is astounded; he points at a target over them.) Cricket: I will jump over the audience and slash through the target with my... (holds up his stick; boredly) ...samurai sword. (He stares at Remy, who shrugs.) Cricket: Drumroll, please! Remy: (drumming on floor) Ahhhh...!! (Cricket starts bouncing on the trampoline; after the third bounce, he soars over the audience toward the target as they watch.) Cricket: YAAAAAAA!!!!! (His focus suddenly shifts to the door; Henry pops through.) Cricket: Wha!?! (slams into the target) Oof. (falls) Audience: Ohmygosh! No! Agh!! (He slams into the head of a man and flops on the ground.) Tilly: (as Henry) Hiya! (normal; enters) Lookee who I found! Phoenix dug him outta the backyard, Henry must've been playin' hide-and-seek! Cricket: (quietly) But you're dead! Tilly: What was that? Cricket: (feigns excitement) Uh...I said, "Knock 'em dead!" (faints) Gloria: Up next is Tilly Green! (A paranoid Cricket walks over to Remy in the audience and sits with him.) Remy: Saved you a seat, buddy. Riiight up front. Cricket: Yaaaaaay... (Tilly's act begins. She puts out a radio and presses play, and jazz music plays as she sticks Henry through the curtain and makes him dance as she imitates tap dancing noises.) Tilly: (as Henry) ♫ "I'm a little wooden boyyyyyy!" ♫ (normal, comes through curtain) ♫ And I'm a little normal girrrlllll! ♫ ♫ We'll tell some jokes, ♫ ♫ Entertain some folks, ♫ ♫ Now let's start the shoooooowwwwww! ♫ (She throws Henry up in the air as she finishes, and he lands headfirst; he suddenly turns toward Cricket in hallucination.) Henry: (demonically) You can't get rid of me, Cricket! Cricket: Huh!?! AHH! Tell me ya heard that, Remy! Tell me! Remy: That adorable, little song? You bet I heard it! Cricket: (whimpers; hyperventilates) (Tilly gets Henry and sits on a stool.) Tilly: Hiya! I'm Tilly, and this is my friend, Henry. (as Henry) "We're practically the same! Except she's a smarty, and I'm a dummy!" (normal) Oh, Henry, ya flatter me! (whispers) I'll give ya your money after the show. (The audience laughs; zoom in on a paranoid Cricket.) Cricket: (thinking) This is my life now. Henry's never goin' away. Everyone love him but me, and I can't say anything, because I can't hurt Tilly! (He hallucinates Henry talking to him again.) Henry: (demonically) Thaaaaat's right, Cricket! Everybody loves me! We're gonna be pals forever! And ever, and ever, and ever... (Hallucination ends.) Tilly: Hey, Henry! Why don't we sing a song? (as Henry) ♫ "Wellllllll..." ♫ Cricket: NO! (He plows Henry to the ground and begins attacking him; Tilly and the Greens are shocked.) Tilly: What? Nancy: (to Bill) Is this part of the act? Cricket: I can't hurt Tilly's feelings, so I'm gonna hurt...you...instead! (He starts destroying Henry, unaware that he's already hurting Tilly's feelings as she watches. The crowd is horrified. He finishes by kicking Henry's head offstage) Cricket: AH-HA-HA!! (It lands at the feet of a dumbfounded Tilly.) Cricket: I feel soooo much better! Heh-heh-heh-heh... Bill: What has gotten into you, son?! Gramma: You just couldn't handle sharing the spotlight with your sister, couldja? Cricket: What?! This isn't about Tilly! It's about the evil puppet!! Tilly: "Evil puppet"? Cricket, do you not like Henry? Cricket: Of course I don't! He's horrifying! I didn't say anything 'cause I didn't wanna ruin your fun, and well... (looks at Henry's eyeball as it rolls across the floor) I guess I went ahead and did that anyway, huh? Tilly: Yup. You did. Cricket: (sighs in defeat) Gloria: Okay, people! This has been...bizarre. But thanks for coming! But also, I'm sorry. Cricket: Wait! Tilly hasn't finished her act! Tilly: But Cricket, I have no dummy to speak of. Cricket: No, you got the biggest dummy around -- (draws wooden dummy lines down the corners of his mouth) Me. Tilly: (gasps in inspiration) (Some time later, Tilly is back on her stool holding Cricket, wearing a tuxedo and makeup to appear like a dummy himself.) Tilly: Say hi to everyone, Cricket! Cricket: Hi to everyone, Cricket! Tilly: Not like that! (The crowd laughs happily.) 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